Trust but Verify: Commingle or Separate Finances for Second Marriages?

Key Takeaways 

• The divorce rate for older couples who remarry is twice as high as for couples in their first marriages.  

• Commingling assets without proper planning can jeopardize inheritances and create financial strain. 

• Early, honest financial conversations with professional guidance prevent costly future conflicts. 

If you think more couples are getting divorced or separated later in life, you’re not alone. Pew Research Center data suggests that remarriages tend to be less stable than first marriages. According to Pew, the divorce rate for age 50-plus adults who remarry is twice as high as it is for seniors who have only been married once. Among all adults aged 50-plus and older who divorced, 48% were in their second or higher marriage, Pew found.  

Meanwhile, a new analysis of divorce data from Bowling Green State University’s National Center for Family and Marriage Research found that divorce rates among people 65 and older tripled between 1990 and 2021. 

I bring up these sobering stats because more and more of our widowed and divorced clients are deciding to remarry later in life. With the loneliness epidemic at an all-time high, I’m not surprised. But too often, widowed and divorced people are tying the knot without carefully thinking through the financial ramifications of senior couple-hood. If you and your partner don’t have frank discussions about each other’s financial obligations and expectations (not to mention your respective kids’ inheritances), you could end up another gray divorce statistic or financially strained and resentful while living together.  

Real World Examples 

One couple we worked with illustrates how easy it is to overlook these conversations.

After losing his wife, a retired engineer in his late 60s reconnected with an old friend from his community group. She, too, had lost her spouse and was eager to find companionship again. Their bond grew quickly, and before long they decided to marry.

On the surface, it felt like a perfect fit—they shared hobbies, a circle of friends, and a genuine affection for one another. What they didn’t share was financial transparency. She assumed her new husband had set aside enough savings for his later years, while he assumed her pension and investments would comfortably cover their joint lifestyle. Neither wanted to press the issue for fear of making things uncomfortable.

A few years into the marriage, health challenges forced him to stop volunteering and traveling. His medical costs escalated quickly, and they realized that most of his income was tied up in a modest Social Security benefit and a small retirement account that was quickly depleted. Without careful planning, the financial burden shifted to her. Her children, who had expected their mother’s assets would pass largely to them, now worried about her being drained financially. His adult son, meanwhile, felt defensive that his father was being “taken care of” by someone else’s resources. The situation created strain not only between the spouses, but also among their adult children—exactly what they had hoped to avoid.

The Takeaway

This couple’s experience underscores how crucial it is to have open, honest conversations before walking down the aisle a second (or third) time. A prenuptial agreement, detailed estate plan, and frank discussions about financial responsibilities could have saved them stress and resentment.

These talks may feel awkward, but they often protect both the relationship and the family dynamics. Love is about caring for one another—but planning together is how you make sure that care doesn’t come at the expense of financial security or family peace.

Considering the sobering statistics about failed remarriages, each couple should carefully consider the tradeoffs of repeating the nuptials without having solid protection in place. Everyone thinks that picking the right stocks and investment strategy is what will make you wealthy. In reality, it’s about going back to the things you can control. And some of those things that you have control over are emotionally challenging.

Sometimes, if one spouse has fewer resources than the other, they feel inadequate, and the spouse with more resources wants to be the protector. But you have to have an honest discussion about each other’s roles and expectations, especially when substantial assets (and kids’ and grandkids’ inheritances are in the balance. Avoiding those difficult conversations to spare people’s feelings will likely end up causing more resentment in the long run.

In the aforementioned couple’s case, they might have said to each other: “Listen, we're not going to get married. We're just going to live together.” They could take it a step further and tell each other: “If anything happens, we’ll be there for each other, maybe not financially, but physically and emotionally.” That way, money won’t get in the way of having a good thing because being “separate but together, financially and legally, can be more advantageous for them in the long run.

Many married couples come to us who have never commingled their resources. Even when it’s the first marriage, if expectations are established at the outset, it doesn’t affect their relationship. 

In another couple’s case, it’s the second marriage for both. They’re each well off. He was a widower with about $7 million in assets. She was a divorcee with about $2 million. They've kept their finances separate. They split the household bills roughly 50/50. He contributes a little more to their desires and trips. If he wants to take a trip with her and she doesn't have the resources, he’ll pay for it.

The relationship works because they communicate well with each other and have created a very reasonable plan for handling their different wealth structures. The widower’s kids will only get one inheritance (his). But for the kids of the divorcee, they will receive two inheritances, assuming mom does not commingle her finances with her current husband. They’ll receive one inheritance from their mom and a second from her first husband, who is extremely wealthy. But if mom and stepdad commingled their finances, some of the kids could get two inheritances and others could get disinherited. 

There is a lot of complex planning involved with second, third, and fourth marriages. It’s very important to have these conversations early on in the relationships. You can try having those conversations on your own, but most couples find that the discussion goes better with an impartial fee-only financial planner who can help you ask the right questions and construct the right strategies for preserving your wealth and relationship harmony. Again, the advisor’s role is not to judge or take sides; it’s to protect and plan prudently.  

Prenups are useful, but no agreement is airtight. No agreement can account for every scenario and hiccup life throws your way. There’s no substitute for open and honest communication with each other – and that’s where a skilled advisor can be a great facilitator.  For more about this topic, see my colleague, Ryan Dunn’s post: Financial Planning Considerations For Those About to Enter Into Marriage. 

Conclusion: second marriage finances

Second marriages can bring love, joy, and companionship, but they also come with unique financial complexities. Whether you choose to commingle or separate finances, the key is not leaving decisions to chance. Open, honest conversations about assets, obligations, and inheritances—supported by professional guidance—can prevent misunderstandings and resentment later on. A well-structured plan allows both partners to feel secure while preserving harmony among children and extended family. At Novi Wealth, we help couples navigate these sensitive discussions with clarity and care so that your financial future is protected—and your relationships remain strong. second marriage finances

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 ROBERT B. DUNN, CFP®, is the President and Managing Partner of Novi Wealth